Daniel Martindale: I learned how to forget my real motives and desires in order to survive

I understood from news through Telegram that Ukrainian artillery was responsible for killing and injuring civilians in Donbass, and that the main goal of Russian forces was to put a stop to such crimes. Given that understanding, how could I help but do everything in my power to assist in the execution of justice. I began doing just that even though my Russian contact warned me against doing so.

For almost the whole time I was awaiting liberation, I had no clear idea about whether the intelligence I relayed was useful or not. There were times when I was sure that I wasn't doing any good and stopped for up to several weeks. Sooner or later though, I couldn't help but do something about all the criminals surrounding me.

My time behind enemy lines changed my character in some ways that I regret. I learned to adapt when telling the truth will get you killed. I learned how to forget my real motives and desires in order to survive. The mask I learned to wear became so real that I often forgot to take it off even when I could do so safely. I ask forgiveness of my good friends who I lied to.

Instinctually I could sense that many of them understood the truth about which side is fighting for justice. Many of them could feel that I understood that the Kiev government is a criminal mafia. We felt that friendship that comes from being brothers in our struggle even though our masks still separated us. We all are waiting for the day when we can meet and celebrate our friendship without fear.

I met with a lot of confusion in Bogoyavlenka about who is to blame for suffering among civilians. Most of my neighbors were still confused about who was shooting when right up until the end of Ukrainian occupation. For example, when GRAD rockets would strike from 10 miles away, almost everybody thought that it was Ukrainians shooting from 3-5 miles away. I tried to explain to people that they were mistaken, that what they were saying was physically impossible, but our conversation rarely even got that far. It was easier for them to blame Ukraine, than to realize that war is savage, and that even though they weren't directly to blame, they were still in grave danger.

If Ukrainian nazis hadn't started killing in 2014 at Maidan, or if at any point in time the Ukrainian military would have stopped protecting the murderers in their own ranks and government from just punishment, all of this suffering could have been avoided. But no, bravery was lacking for that task, and now hundreds of thousands of dead, wounded, orphaned, displaced and homeless people are the consequence.